Wednesday 10 October 2012

Just around the corner

Some days I think I'm finding it, my "groove", that new normal that everyone tells you about after a major life event. The baby's napping and the kitchen's clean and I'm reading to my kids and everything's shiny, lovely.

And then there will be this moment when I'm sitting somewhere - just sitting there, sleeping baby breathing against my chest - and suddenly I'm a nervous wreck. What am I doing, I'm going to mess this all up, holy swear word I can't do this.

One day I'm tackling a new recipe for the dinner. The next day it's a fridge-cleaning leftover free-for-all. Breakfast for dinner? Why the heck not.

One moment I'm telling stories with the boy, the next moment he touches my foot and oh for goodness' sake will you just stop TOUCHING ME for one minute??

I wonder if they can put their RESP money towards therapy instead.

I'm caught up on the laundry but behind on work. Those to-do items have been on my list for so long that my eyes automatically skip over them; my brain remembers, though, late at night when I need to be sleeping but instead I'm feeling guilty because I didn't get around to that editing gig again and those baby announcements are still sitting on my desk when am I going to address them and I just want to write a blog post but it's hard when there's always a baby in my arms but oh she's so perfect I could just cry maybe I will.

Sigh.

I'm always thinking five things at once and usually doing none of them.

I'm happy and relatively calm but I just want my brain to stop for a while. Stop thinking about what needs to be done, stop feeling guilty for being behind, stop racing ahead, just stop.

Breathe.

But I feel like I'm getting somewhere. Finding a bit of rhythm amidst the chaos. Maybe it'll always feel like normal is just around the corner; then again, maybe it really is.

Mostly though, I'm still just feeling lovestruck. I've got this perfect cuddly baby girl, a spunky wide-eyed toddler, and a fascinatingly creative growing boy. The ups and downs are just life.

There. I'm feeling better already.

7 comments:

  1. I have a 3 year old daughter and a 9 week old baby girl. I have treasured your every word reading along these past months. Thank you.

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  2. I feel the same way, always. Even if the house is in good shape, I feel guilty for just sitting when my daughter is napping. It takes me FOREVER to get to sleep, because my brain just won't hush. I am constantly restless. Yet, would I trade peace and sleep for my daughter, my home, and my husband? Absolutely not. Perhaps these things walk hand in hand, always to be a package deal.

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  3. I absolutely identify with this post. Everything is right where I want it to be...yet, I'm restless and feeling less than. I'm sure it will all come together in good time and until then I guess I'll just hang around here, in this space. Maybe I should put some pictures up?

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  4. "I'm always thinking five things at once and usually doing none of them." I feel the exact same way!!

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  5. "I'm always thinking five things at once and usually doing none of them." and "...I just want my brain to stop for a while. Stop thinking about what needs to be done, stop feeling guilty for being behind, stop racing ahead, just stop." Yes, yes, YES! As a mama of 4, my baby just 6 months, I found myself nodding emphatically at these words...you must be a fellow (Meyers Briggs) T! :) It sounds like you're doing a good job of doing the most important thing: enjoying your precious littles.
    Love and prayers from a long-time lurker,
    Stephanie

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  6. You're back!! I've missed reading your posts. There aren't many like-minded mama's near me so I depend on your blog for encouragement in this crazy but peaceful parenting world. Thank you!

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  7. This is my life also. My baby is now 13 months old and I'm still waiting for that day I can have everything caught up. I think it's going to be when he's 7 years old lol I have 4 kids at home

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