Tuesday, 17 June 2014

Missing him

I'm tired. Combine pregnancy with The Cold That Will Not Die, and it doesn't make for awesome sleep. So when she stood beside me asking up! up!, I really just wanted her to go find some toys and leave me to my coffee.

But she's feverish right now (this hasn't been a healthy week for the Hippie Household) and also adorable, so I picked her up anyway. She wrapped her arm around my neck (one-armed hugs only from this little thumb-sucker) and how many times have I missed such moments because I want just five minutes to drink my coffee or please, I just don't want to be touched for a moment or can't you see I'm trying to have a bit of a nap?

But I didn't say no today and what a reward, to have her hug me so tightly for so long.

The husband left this morning, another two weeks on site before two weeks back here and then gone again. I'm mopey and melancholy and I wonder, often, how other wives feel as they say goodbye. Am I as whiny as I feel? Do they wave goodbye, see you in a while, no big deal? I have no idea. My dad never traveled; it's outside my paradigm and I don't like it one bit, this new reality. It just doesn't feel right when he's gone.

I'm the lucky one, though. How lonely can I be, really, when I get these one-armed hugs from my baby and sloppy kisses from my preschooler and late-night chats with my growing boy? When I wake up more mornings than not with three kids in my bed and a fourth one kicking inside?

Still, I feel his absence and I'm mopey and mostly unapologetic for being so. I feel aimless; I don't really know what to do. I just wander around Cleaning All The Things. I hadn't realized how many of our daily anchor points depend on him - his coming and going from work, our mealtimes (which are so much more casual when he's not here), our evenings together after the kids are in bed, a kiss good-night and again in the morning. Now so much of our daily rhythm feels fluid, optional, drifting.

There was a time when I wasn't so bothered by our being apart. I looked forward to being together again but I didn't particularly miss him in the meantime. It just was. Things are different now and maybe we just need to find our way back to the middle. Or maybe not, maybe this missing him is just fine.

And maybe that's just an odd thing to wonder about.

Just writing along with the EO...


  1. I think, after awhile, it gets tiresome to have your spouse home then gone.

    1. It certainly does. We're all looking forward to having this project over so he can be properly home again.

  2. I find there there are a lot of points that circle around my husbands coming and going in a day. When he was deployed we had to relearn our routines because daddy just wasn't going or coming, he was gone. I moped around A LOT. We ate cereal for dinner, a lot. I'd say it's pretty normal to feel that kind of whole in your heart. Hope the time doesn't drag for you!

    1. Thanks, Korey! That's exactly what it's like. Here we go, starting another 15 days, but at least this will be the last one until after the baby arrives. :)